But I think for so many spouses/partners, you can tell the CS the A is over. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. But the thing to take into consideration is that after D-day we go into a type of fog ourselves. But theres nothing I can do. At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. They have court up once and spent the night together but didt have sex. And now im of course TERRIFIED he is going to run off to OW. It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. I sure hope he comes around. He states he has no communication with her, he has no desire to speak to any women right now, but he also is exhausted by us and doesnt want to work on us. I begged and apologized. And I get it bc I am exhausted too. The only contact we have is a obligatory hug every morning from him as he leaves for work before me. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. He does his own thing and he encourages you to spend time alone but that you do not see him trying to spend time together as a family. Maybe he thinks I will just always be here even though I truly wont. You barely communicate. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. But at this juncture you dont have much of a choice. No begging or pleading. This whole situation is so emotionally draining. He just had to break the bad news to her. So even though I had given him the ability to leave many times he declined. There are all kinds of repercussions for these things, and none of them are really good. And when I was going to D him after DDay2 (because 1 is just not enough to suffer through) that is when he realized I was no longer going to allow this crap to go on. During that time we have experienced so many of the topics in this blog like gaslighting. But im SO sick of just trying to be so happy and so upbeat all the time around him. K. The other thing that I said to my H during his A and A fog and false reconciliation and the times he said he wanted a D was this. I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. Its really like a stranger, and the minute he walks in the house and we start talking about our days its like oh here he is, heres the man I married. From his actions the last few months it appears as though you were headed to this point anyway. People lie would start yelling at her if they ran out of an item like rye bread. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. Im TERRIFIED he is lying to me and is going to go somewhere to see her. Knowing what I know now, things would have been very very different. Dont be me. Get your plan B together b/c I fear you may need it. Im afraid that living together like we are is going to make this worse, its going to give him a bad taste in his mouth of what its like to live together and when he does leave he will only feel relief instead of sad like he did when i asked him to leave a few weeks ago. And when I was, I didnt take it. Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. My wife began an EA after a trip out of town. After he came back from his 2 week rendezvous with her, he came back to live in our home as though nothing had happened. The fog has a powerful hold on the CS. One thing that may help (though I doubt he will be willing) is some sort of divorce type counseling so that the air is cleared and your relationship with him can be such that the kids do not suffer any further emotional damage. You are dealing with so many things narcissistic tendencies, someone not dealing in reality, porn addict etc. TheFirstWife Im not going to accept it. Now I dont even know him. & whatever we did before, in the marriage is a death sentence, already. And then he stopped or curtailed his bar nights. And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. See where it goes. I allowed him to be mean and nasty. You remain calm. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. My STORY | The Fog has lifted Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? Even if illegal or in our case, immoral and against the M. The stupid thing is my H was ready to run off into Fantasyland with the OW. If my H comes home and tells me something that I suspect is not 200% the full story, I metely look him in the eye and calmly say I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. Said he promised to get better about helping with bills, promised to finish the work around the house he started months ago, told me he was absolutely terrified about losing our marriage. Ive just got to figure out what to do next. Im not saying D him. But right now you are being manipulated and used. When all I want is to do things with HIM and the baby, like we would have been doing prior to all of this. I asked him if he would be willing to go, and he said yes. He would be the VERY LAST guy you would suspect!!! Again I think there is more to this story. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). HORRIBLE. One who can guide you through this storm. The minute he walks out and when he will be back becomes uncertain, thats when my insides feel like theyre falling and I want to just curl up in a ball. Probably my fault, I led him on somehow. So yes at DDay2 I told my H I was D him. I would say, six months later, yes, but was it my behaviors? When I do go do things, I know hes curious, but hes very good at not asking questions and trying to act like he doesnt care, but I can tell things get to him. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. His reaction had taken him by surprise. I have NEVER felt this way with him. Yes it might be indeed. It finally got through. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will stay here or not. Webmidlife crisis when the fog lifts. doing everything right and he has justified absolutely everything, and he seems like he could care less that im asking him to leave. The only thing the cheater sees is their own selfish needs and desires. Im in the early stages of affair fog- my H started to act weird start of November, secret calls and text, late nights usual stuff I got our phone bill saw a number didnt know and searched on Facebook the girl he claimed to be just friends with, I approached him he denied I kicked him out he had no where to go he went and moved in with her only known her over a month living together he has admitted the affair.. Midlife Crisis: What the Feelings Mean and How to Overcome Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. You have tried everything you could. I said go live the life you want to live, just stop coming here afterwards. But there were 2 things that helped me tremendously. They may think they won. He immediately quit his job but has continued to secretly speak to the other woman. If you are telling me how perfect our marriage is and how happy you are and you are cheating I think that says a lot about the cheater. When I made him leave and he felt devastated, I felt like I had power. I dont want to live under her thumb. When thats not it at all. I cant wrap my head around it all still. Because you will know you had your babys best interest at all times. Even though I know right now I have every right to if I want to, to see if im being lied to and kick his ass out, but I just am again, TRYING to stick to this 180, and if I can stick to it and somehow show him with my actions that I am doing my own thing, maybe he will become curious. I feel like an annoyance. He is being selfish. I was afraid to upset you, I was afraid to do anything that would look negatively on me, and I regret all that. I am a lot different now and thats mainly because of how his EA changed me. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what. I dont call him a liar. He doesnt want to help you in any way. At some point you need to accept him for what he is and if the M cannot work, then he ha made his choice and then you must do the same. I really hope I can follow your advice, Im going to reread your response over and over. Everyday I wake up knowing I have a full day ahead of feeling pretty crappy for the most part. I know how maddening that is. I didnt want to talk about it. But he has stayed at the house every night since then. WebSo, if you're looking for answers and support during this time, you won't want to miss this episode. I tried leaving a reply a little bit ago but it didnt seem to work. Its 7 years and I still dont do my Hs laundry. I feel like im just being chipped away every day. And when I do that I can always tell he gets a little curious. Midlife crisis and depression have some common symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, irritability, and reckless behavior. Doug: Im sure that it was. My only regret is believing him when he said it was over and that he wanted to be with me. I have wanted NOTHING more than to fix us and move forward and be the great couple we have always been, but he seems to be all over the place and completely blames me for the problems in our marriage that lead to his affair. Linda: In all honesty, I think most of the time, youre not sure if the person has left the affair yet, so youre acting a certain waybut you dont even know if its effective because they just become more secretive and theyre lying more. I am having SUCH a horrific day today. Sometimes I feel very positive. And because of all those lies, they cant even reason with him about everything he is giving up.
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